20 September 2007

Dirty Potter, Book 5

It's taken forever to weed down all the dirty bits in J.K. Rowling's fifth book -- 870 smutty pages, mind you -- to just these highlights. Or should I say lowlights. Even the name of the book is vaguely suggestive of puberty: "Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix" indeed.

Now, it's been a few weeks since our last installment, so you might need to brush up (ahem) on what we've already covered:
* Book 1.
* Book 2.
* Book 3.
* Book 4.
And now onto the latest. The most incriminating naughtiness lies on:

Page 5: "Put -- it -- away!" Uncle Vernon snarled into Harry's ear. "Now! Before -- anyone -- sees!" ... "Get -- off-- me!" Harry gasped; for a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncle's sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wand.

Page 187: "Does it -- er -- do anything?" he asked. ... "Loads of stuff!" said Neville proudly.
followed, in the next 'graph, by:
"Ginny, who had flung her arms up in front of her face just in time, merely looked as though she was wearing a slimy green hat, but Harry ... received a face full. ... Neville, whose face and torso were also drenched, shook his head to get the worst out of his eyes."

Page 315: She turned away, leaving Professor Trelawney standing rooted to the spot, her chest heaving. Harry caught Ron's eye and knew that Ron was thinking exactly the same as he was.
(...and exactly what every burgeoning young man is thinking after reading the phrase "her chest heaving," I'll wager.)

Page 547: "We saw him," Hermione whispered. "He was in the bed opposite Lockhart's, just lying there, staring at the ceiling. And we saw the Devil's Snare arrive."
(Just what is this "Devil's Snare" that arrives to a boy lying in a bed, staring at the ceiling, hmm?)

And, mid-climax on Page 792: Harry fell to his knees beside her as Neville crawled rapidly toward her from under the desk, his wand held up in front of him.


Anonymous said...

Oh ... my ... God! I have been looking over the old ones and laughing my ass off! You're hilarious, Bwad. (I like skinning the shrivelfig myself, from time to time.) -- Heidi

Maggie&Bandit said...

you are a sick person, and we are proud to call you Uncle Brad.

Brad Barnes said...

I think my personal fave is the broomstick floating lazily up toward the forbidden forest. You can't tell me that's unintentional...

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I wonder if you're right about this stuff. Some of it is a stretch for dirty minds to make, sure, but some of it seems so completely obvious! J.K., you naughty, naughty girl. -- Heidi