23 March 2008

Dirty Potter, Book 7

Why do I do it, the Harry Potter fans ask me. Why do I insist on reading between the lines of J.K. Rowling's acclaimed texts to expose (ahem) the naughty, naughty sexual innuendos contained therein?

Because, gentle readers, I believe it is my mission to reveal the truth: that Ms. Rowling needs a good thrashing. Except she'd probably like that.

Before we begin, I'll warn younger readers that the language is adult here. And it's Rowling's fault. She's taken an alarming tack of masochism in this text, and she never gets tired of the "wand" innuendo. Continue at the peril of your own innocence (if you have any left after finishing her smut).

So here it is, my analysis of her seventh and final Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" -- which the more astute instinctively know is actually a clever anagram for "Shall the Dandy Eat Her?: Howl, Rapt Tory."

This a long book, therefore a long post. Buckle up, and if you need to brush up on the first six installments, here they are: Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6.

Let's begin at...:

*Page 8: Malfoy glanced sideways at his wife. She was staring straight ahead, quite as pale as he was, her long blonde hair hanging down her back, but beneath the table her slim fingers closed briefly on his wrist. At her touch, Malfoy put his hand into his robes, withdrew a wand...

*Page 61: As the pain from Harry's scar forced his eyes shut, his wand acted of its own accord. He felt it drag his hand around like some great magnet, saw a spurt of golden fire through his half-closed eyelids...

* Page 171: "SHUT UP!" Harry bellowed, directing his wand at her, and with a bang and a burst of red sparks, the curtains swung shut again.

(Such violence and hatred associated with these male/female encounters. Rowling really needs a shrink.)

* Page 203: Every nerve in his body seemed to tauten: He pulled out his wand, moved into the shadows...

* Page 291: Harry's scar kept prickling. It happened most often, he noticed, when he was wearing the Horcrux.

(She's usually not this blunt. But what could a "Horcrux" be, if not the crux (i.e., the nethers) of a whore? Not content with such bluntness, she plunges on into more bondage themes...)

* Page 422: "Okay then," Hermione whispered. ... "Please, Ron! Harry, hold on tight to my hand, Ron, grab my shoulder."

* Page 472: Panting, Harry peered around the edge of the sofa. ... "Drop your wands," she whispered. "Drop them, or we'll see exactly how filthy her blood is!" Ron stood rigid, clutching Wormtail's wand.

* Page 587: Harry recognized Rowena Ravenclaw from the bust he had seen at Luna's house.

* Page 726: Hands, softer than he had been expecting, touched Harry's face, ...crept beneath his shirt, down to his chest... He could hear the woman's fast breathing, her long hair tickled his face. He knew that she could feel the steady pounding..."

(Deep breath. Then further down the same smutty page...)

The whisper was barely audible; her lips were an inch from his ear, her head bent so low that her long hair shielded his face from the onlookers. ... He felt the hand on his chest contract; her nails pierced him.

Still with me? Well, that's it. Been trying to think of a nice summary, but all I can come up with is: "Eww." So I'll leave it at that.

Now I'm going to read one of those "Golden Compass" (rhymes with "hump us") books. You know, just to protect the innocent...


Amanda said...

I usually log onto Sonya's "Walk of Shame" blog to read my weekly dose of porno literature. But what a pleasant discovery to find that you are peddling similar smut. Free of charge.

Brad Barnes said...

Can't let her have all the fun...

Jenn said...

You just keep those grubby paws off my beloved copy of The Golden Compass!