24 June 2008

Rude, Crue'd and contemptible

Today, at long last, we have an all-new Motley Crue record. The first with the band's classic lineup since "Dr. Feelgood." So how good is "Saints of Los Angeles"?

Uh, it's just as good as most Crue records, I'll say that. There are two (2) songs that have the abbreviation "M.F." in the title. And my favorite song, titlewise, is one called "Chicks=Trouble." But either my tastes have gotten a lot more complex, or the '80s formula for heavy metal hasn't aged well. Not to mince words, but the album is boring as crap.

Maybe all those bands' trick was to confuse us with their costumes — the hairsprayed and teased skyward-climbing locks of hair, the leather codpieces, the jauntily-draped chain belts — until we didn't notice how crappy the music actually was.

The Crue never seemed to fall victim to the most egregious of fashion faux pas, though. I'm speaking, of course, about the heavy metal boot. You know, the short little bootlet, usually made of suede or leather, often cuffed, and shorter in the back than in the front. Let's take a tour of the brief history of said boot, as demonstrated by several sucky bands.

Before we start our tour, though, it's important to set the baseline. Here, for instance, is the band Night Ranger demonstrating shoe (and clothing) styles that are even worse than the heavy metal bootlet.On the cover of what must be a 2-track "Greatest Hits" EP, two are wearing snake skin boots, a fashion choice that aged far better than the poofy-shouldered jackets that they look uncomfortable wearing. The guy in the middle is wearing what at first glance appear to be white heavy metal boots. But they're actually loose-laced tennis shoes. So he's ready to hit an audition for a breakdancing movie right after this photo session. And I'll just leave the beret alone...

On to the boots. Check out this example, from Bon Jovi's eponymous 1984 debut:
Sexy, sexy boots there, Jon. It's particularly nice how you tuck your jeans inside the boots. And thanks for taking the time to look at the camera before going to get your hooker... It all becomes clear when one analyzes the album's almost confessional single, "Runaway," wherein Mr. Jovi sings, "Daddy's girl learned fast, all those things he couldn't say." Mmm-hmm.

Here's another good example from Cinderella.I feel kinda bad making fun of the guy in the white bootlets, since the guy in the traditionally styled red boots is so frickin' ridiculous. "Nobody's Fool"? Don't be so sure, guys. So let's just move on to the single most offensive example of metal boot. It comes from the cover of Autograph's third abum, 1987's "Loud and Clear":
Take a look at the footwear on the guy on the far left. (Forgive me for not knowing the members of Autograph by name.)

Yes, that's right. They're blue.

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