Picture imperfect

Here's a picture from 1956. I believe that's the bustling metropolis of Phenix City, Ala., in the background, and law enforcement officers turned to a newfangled tool we know as the radar gun (or, as it's called here, the "Speed-Meter") to crack down on those old jalopies that were roaring down U.S. 280 at — what's that needle say? — oh, 15 mph.

Duchovny's 'XXX-Files'

David "X-Files" Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility to combat an admitted sex addition. This much is true. (And it made his casting in "Californication" easy, right?)

Researchers at the facility quickly discovered that every man who's been married to Tea Leoni* has had an addiction to sex.

Following that discovery, researchers determined that every man has an addiction to sex.
-----
*I don't really know anything about her first husband, Neil Joseph Tardio Jr. But how could it not be true?

Hootie to Blowfish: 'Suck it!' (updated)

Tragic news in the music world. Hootie and the Blowfish, one of the most popular bands of all time,* has announced a breakup.

I know. It's hard to believe. Hard to believe they were still together, that is. But the best news is why the band has split: So singer Darius Rucker (henceforth referred to simply as "Hootie") could pursue recording a few country music records.

So the ray of light here is that maybe Hootie's arrival on the country music scene will mean the same thing it did on the pop music scene. Namely, the destruction thereof. ... But wait, country music's already bland and compressed. On second thought, he'll fit right in.

The story.
(And already the course correction is starting, as evidenced here.)
-----
*Where "all time" is defined as 1994-1995.

Now that's a case of the runs

Thanks Maggie & Bandit
I can't believe I'm just now posting this crap:

Click here.

See, I'm not just being crass. I'm informing you that a piece of art blew away from its exhibit space in Switzerland, causing all kinds of trouble. It just so happens the name of the giant, inflatable, brown-colored exhibit is "Complex Shit."

Oh, and the artists name is Paul McCartney. Oh wait, that's McCarthy. I got confused because McCartney's being making crap he calls art for years.*
-----
*Excepting last year's "Memory Almost Full," which is pretty good.

Mexican vs. Mexican't

Yeah, I forgot to mention Brito's in the list of local Mexican places below. But Troy's right, it's great. That and La Mexicana de Columbus (the taqueria on Victory Drive) are the best.

Brito's has a Web site that's all in Spanish, so you know the food's good. I ran it through Babelfish for a translation and was particularly pleased with the information under the "About Us" tab (or just "We," as it was translated):

The services that we offer are:

• Shipments of money to any part of the world.
• Phonecards and for cellular of all the marks.
• Service of slaughter.
• Extensive provided of fruits and vegetables.

Service of slaughter. Sweet!
-----

Alone At 3AM
"Mexico" (mp3)
from "City Out of Luck"
Buy album at iTunes Music Store

Why does Columbus hate Greece?

Here's an ad that ran in last Thursday's To Do section:

So Columbus is losing a Mediterranean restaurant. But hey, we're gaining a place called La Margarita. And let me also take a huge leap of faith and say that I bet they'll have margarita specials on Wednesday nights!* Oh boy!

Because, you know, we needed another Mexican place, alongside Durango, El Vaquero (3 locations), Locos Amigos, Los Amigos, Viva El Toro, Vallarta, El Carrizo (2 locations), La Nacional, La Mexicana de Columbus, Don Chuchos and El Zapata (2 locations). And those are just the big ones.

On the Greek/Mediterranean side, that leaves us at, I think, negative-three eateries**. Great...
-----
* What is it with every Mexican restaurant here having margarita night on the same night? Wouldn't it be smart counter-programming to try that on, say, Tuesday? Or if they're feeling daring, Thursday?
** OK, two technically. There is Mario's, downtown, and Imbis, up by Columbus Park Crossing. But only one of those*** is good.
*** Imbis.

Bigfoots? Bigfeet?

My fellow Ledger-Enquirer reporter Tim Chitwood wrote a great column on Sunday about the recent Bigfoot sighting in north Georgia. Here's the link.

So they think evidence of a "gorilla suit" makes this sighting a hoax. Who am I to know? But there is solid photographic proof of a Bigfoot, people. And here it is, as witnessed by three reputable sources. (Or, at least one reputable source.)

I know what you're thinking: That still photos are easy to manipulate. So that's why I also offer the following video footage that should erase all doubts...

Laff Olympics

So I seriously heard this during the Olympics broadcast yesterday:

"Latvia: Small in population, huge on talent in BMX!"

Don't get me started on medaling in BMX. I guess the Olympics wrap up tomorrow. I missed much of the games, since we were outta town last week. And really, I've got mixed feelings about the way it caters to developing physical freaks for specific disciplines. But whatever. I do tend to like watching the sports I can relate to or have tried myself. You know, tennis, volleyball, synchronized swimming...

Stuff in the paper

Here's today's column, which has some light-hearted lessons from Cumberland Island (including the secret of Kung Fu pigs!)...

And here's a little item on those groovy little retro-style Peek'Size Football Guides being in stores today.

(That little ninja pig picture over there I grabbed offa the site of this fine illustrator, Tracy Bartlett...)

Something to Crow about*

This ripped from the AP wires, like so many bodices in the hands of swarthy men...:

LOS ANGELES — Sheryl Crow wants your vote — and figures she can get it for a song.

The Grammy Award-winning singer is offering a free download of her politically charged tune ‘Gasoline’ to anyone who logs onto the Rock the Vote Web site or anyone on the group’s mailing list. And the first 50,000 people who register three friends to vote will get a free digital copy of her album ‘Detours.’

‘I hope people wake up and emotionally engage in issues,’ Crow said...

Hmm. Hopes people wake up... That, of course, begs just one response: THEN STOP SINGING MUSIC THAT PUTS PEOPLE TO SLEEP.

(Kinda liked that "Leaving Las Vegas" song, though. And it is cool that she's giving her schtuff away for a good cause. Click here for the full story. Click here to register and grab the free tuneage.)

* Whilst trying to come up with a clever headline for this item, I looked up the word crow and found "n. The shrill cry of a cock." And that's all I've got to say about that.

Staind vs. Jonas Bros.?

MTV News is reporting that Staind's 6th album (good lord, have we really endured SIX???) is likely to be the first since 2001 not to debut a No. 1 on Billboard's sales charts.

The reason? It'll be the second week of release for the Jonas Brothers' new album.

So the mouse's band kids — "Hanson 2008 with Disney behind them" as Staind's Aaron Lewis says in the story — are kicking the tatted-up butts of the post-grunge hard rockers. I kinda love it. Except that what MTV failed to report is that both bands are frickin' lousy. So no matter who wins, we lose.

'Cracked,' not broken

Used to be, "Cracked" was the poor man's "Mad" magazine. I didn't even know "Cracked" was still around, but it is — online at the least. The Web site's really funny, and not in that "What, me worry?" sort of way.

I just browsed a list of the "6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World," which includes Balut, a duck-egg delicacy wherein the egg is fertilized before it's cooked, so there's a little duck in there. Mmmmm? But funnier, to me, was this list of 25 men who look like old lesbians (Bruce Jenner, anyone?).

Good stuff.

On a scale of 1 to awesome, it's super great

While I was away, the crazy Brothers Chaps and Telltale Games apparently released the longish-awaited first chapter in a for-sale "Homestar Runner" video game series. It's actually getting good reviews from gaming sites.

It's called "Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People." I'm hoping the title doesn't preclude me from playing. It's a point-and-clicker, so I'm imagining it's kind of like "Peasant Quest" game over on homestarrunner.com, only without the typing. There's a demo to download and play, which I haven't had a chance to grab yet.

Here's more about the game, which costs all of 9 bucks.

(If you've read all this and are thinking "whuh???" then here's a quick primer: Homestar Runner is a series of webtoons and games set in an innocent-humored, '80s influenced cartoon world, populated by a series of rapscallions and colorful folks. The site's highlight is where a fellow named Strong Bad, who wears a Mexican wrestling mask, answers e-mails. Frickin' hilarious.)

Hold Steady, it's the Truckers!

The Drive-By Truckers have just announced a co-tour with the Hold Steady. Which is great, as I'm a fan of both acts and they're playing Atlanta. They'll alternate which band goes first.

But most interestingly, this means we've got the next-gen self-aware Lynyrd Skynyrd touring the country with the next-gen ’70s-style Springsteen. Which seems like a weird pairing. Except that it's not.

Whatever. Here's the tour schedule:

Rock and Roll Means Well Tour Fall 2008
•Oct 30 Louisville, Ky. — Coyote's (HS closes)
•Oct 31 Nashville — Ryman Auditorium (DBT closes)
•Nov 01 Atlanta — Tabernacle (DBT closes)
•Nov 02 Tallahassee, Fla. — The Moon (HS closes)
•Nov 03 Raleigh, N.C. — Lincoln Theatre (DBT)
•Nov 05 State College, Penn. — State Theatre (HS)
•Nov 06 New York City — Terminal 5 (closer TBA)
•Nov 07 New York City — Terminal 5 (closer TBA)
•Nov 08 Philadelphia — Electric Factory (DBT)
•Nov 09 Boston — Orpheum Theatre (HS closes)
•Nov 11 Toronto — Phoenix Theatre (DBT closes)
•Nov 12 Pittsburgh — Carnegie Music Hall (HS)
•Nov 13 Bloomington, Ind. — Bluebird (DBT closes)
•Nov 14 Chicago — Riviera (HS closes)
•Nov 15 Minneapolis — First Avenue Mainroom (DBT)
•Nov 16 Minneapolis — First Avenue Mainroom (HS)
•Nov 19 Boise, Idaho — Big Easy (DBT closes)
•Nov 20 Seattle — Showbox (HS closes)
•Nov 21 Seattle — Showbox (DBT closes)
•Nov 22 Portland, Ore. — Creystal Ballroom (HS)
•Nov 23 San Francisco — Fillmore (DBT closes)
•Nov 24 San Francisco — Fillmore (HS closes)
•Nov 25 Los Angeles — The Wiltern (DBT closes)

Cumberland

So the vacation was spectacular, with the worst moments only coming during the drive back. After a week of avoiding interaction with human beings, dealing with their traffic jams and such proved bothersome.

Anyways, I'll post more about the vacay later. But here's a video clip from one of my favorite moments, where Jenn and I spotted a wild horse, full gallop, about eight miles north of camp. Then it came up to us to get a closer look...

Road music

Today I'm heading back from a week of sun and seclusion at Cumberland Island, on the Georgia coast. It's pretty off the grid. No phones. No Internets. No cars even. It's accessible only by ferry. I can promise you that now, as I'm writing this even before we left, that Jenn and I had a great time.

So yeah, all the blog posts you've been reading this week I wrote up last week, and scheduled them to post through the week. Clever monkey, me, no?

I burned a bunch of MP3 discs with new stuff to sink into on the drive there and back. So I should have something to say about some of the following albums:

*Shearwater's "Rook"
*The Hold Steady's "Stay Positive"
*Spiritualized's "Songs in A&E"
*Dr. Dog's "Fate"
*Okkervil River's "The Stand Ins"
*My Morning Jacket's "Evil Urges"
*Centro-matic's/South San Gabriel's "Dual Hawks"
*Conor "Bright Eyes" Oberst's eponymous thingy

...and some others that I can't recall right now. Talk at you soon.

Second best chalkboard artist*

Thanks Maggie & Bandit
Submitted as a fine Friday time-waster. And boy is it ever. The Chalkboard Manifesto is a regular strip you can find here. Updated frequently.
*after Bart Simpson

Burst all your balloons, burn all your cities

So the bassist for rock band Sister Hazel has written a children's book based on the lyrics of one of the band's songs. Which is cool, I think.

I like Sister Hazel, even if I chronically confuse them with Blues Traveler. I was relieved to find out, for instance, that the book was not based on the song "Hook," since I could see where trying to explain to a pre-schooler who Anne Boleyn* was might be, well, problematic. There's also the potentially illegality of using the words "mouth" and "organ" next to each other when talking to a child.

Jett Beres is the bass player's name, and the book is thankfully based on the band's innocuous song "Starfish." Here's the book's Web site, if any parents wanna check it out. It's out Sept. 23.

----------
*or "Amber Lynn" as one of my old co-workers used to think.

Picture imperfect

Here's an interesting one from the Ledger-Enquirer archives. I'm not sure who this woman is, why the newspaper took her picture in the mid-1970s, or where in our bustling metropolis she found a wind tunnel that put her topside in this particular condition. Maybe she was rushing to get to the casting call for the role of an extra on an ep or "Kojak."

Whatever the reason, it's impressive.

It's a beehullet. Or perhaps a mullhive. Not exactly a mullet. Not towering like a beehive. Somewhere in an awesome, awesome place in between. ... Get thee to a haberdashery, lady.

Click here to see the last installment of "Picture Imperfect."

Catsuits

Thanks Meg
I dressed my dog up exactly once. It was for a story on Halloween costumes for pets. He was a pumpkin, and it made him very, very sad.

So I get a weird feeling in my chest when I see what these people chose to do with their cats, as evidenced by the New York Post.

But I also hate cats, so it's kind of cool.

(The pictured "cat" is named Hale Bop, which indicates that maybe it's originally from outerspace, possibly explaining its lack of hair.)

So to 'pop a cap' I'd use the blaster?

Thanks Joe Paull
The language is salty in places, but it's totally hilarious — and nothing you haven't heard in the rap music before, beeyotch. 

Sugarland me sour

The former 1/3rd of what became a Sugarland duo (do the math) is suing the band, saying she's due a share* of the profits.

I thought I liked Kristen Hall. And, granted, she's the one who originally brought Kristian Bush and Jennifer Nettles together, with herself, to form the country music pseudo-supergroup. But I'm not sure how she thinks she's due substantial profits from the group's second and third albums, considering she co-wrote a total of one (1) tune on those two discs and hasn't logged any time touring with the band, doing interviews or otherwise, you know, working as a part of Sugarland.

I know, I know. She had a contract blah blah blah. I'm not talking about the letter of the law, but the spirit.

So now I suppose Kristian Bush can also retire, let Nettles do all the heavy lifting, and still make his third too? Come on, Kristen. Earn your part of the band's money or let it go.

(Did I mention that Jennifer Nettles is single again?)

---------
*where "a share" = $1.5 million

***

"Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?"

— Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" 

Paris Hilton Vs. Morgan Freeman

What do Paris Hilton and Morgan Freeman have in common?

Read today's column in the newspaper to find out.

Horse (non)sense

I'll apologize at the front-end. I don't usually think people dying is funny. That's why I refrained from posting this yesterday, when I first read it.

OK, enough with the apology. Here's the item, posted by my Ledger-Enquirer cohort Tess Hollis:

A 35-year-old Chambers County man was killed early Tuesday morning when his car caught fire after he hit a horse.

Wyatt Finch was driving near Valley, Ala., on County Road 388 when he struck a horse, causing his car to catch fire. The accident happened around 6:20 a.m. Alabama State Troopers are investigating the accident.

The original item can be found rightcheer.

So why did I decide to post it? Not because a man dying is funny. But because that first sentence is maybe my favorite piece of newswriting ever. The brevity is its genius.

But does hitting a horse really cause a car to catch fire? Just any horse? (Or, as my co-worker Nick muses, was it one of those alcohol-laden Clydesdales) Was it a ridden horse? A stray? A wild horse? Ahhhhhh! We must know!!!

I don't know if Mr. Finch is married. If so, I apologize to his widow. I'd like to think, however, that if I was driving a car that hit a horse and then blew up, I'd be looking down from the clouds, chuckling about it. "Well, that's one way to go..."

See you at the debates, bitches!

Here's what all the fuss is about. See Paris kick John McCain in the crotch. Figuratively.

As much as it pains me to say it, I've actually grown some respect for Paris Hilton. (But I still don't think she's hot (at least not from the neck up).)

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Goin' home

Like every other music writer who interviewed him, I wrote a story once about how young bluesman Sean Costello was. When I talked to him the first time he was 20 (going on 74), and I thought it was interesting that he was this old soul playing in bars that he otherwise wouldn't have been allowed in.

So, also like everyone else, I was stunned when he died a few months back.

In June, a buddy at work told me to check out the Creative Loafing piece on him. But I never did. I was sort of in denial, I think — maybe because Costello was about a decade younger than me. I dunno. Anyway, I finally read the story, and it is great. I actually hadn't even heard that his OD was accidental, a la Heath Ledger (although with heroin, amphetamine, and cocaine in his system, alongside a prescribed anti-anxiety drug). Check out the story here.

I'm a jerk

I got caught up in workstuffs and ungraciously forgot to link Friday to the Georgia On My Mind blog, which hosted a regular event they call the Georgia Blog Carnival, in which they round up the most interesting posts within the past couple of weeks by Georgia bloggers.

I love the site anyway, since it's got absolutely the best blogroll of area bloggers, period. But they were also kind enough to mention one of my posts and link to the Web site. So, if you're inclined, go to the Carnival post and see what other Georgia bloggers are up to. It's good stuff.

The greatest tour that ever lived

The Weez has just announced its North American tour dates. There's an Atlanta date, so get our yer credit cards and prepare to curse and whine at Ticketmaster's inconvenience charge.

Unfortunately, the Big A-zey has to wait longer than the rest of the world. But at least it's not a No Rivers City.*

NEW WEEZER TOUR DATES

Sep 23     Boston               Tsongas Arena
Sep 24     New York City        Madison Square Garden
Sep 26     Atlantic City        Borgata Casino
Sep 27     Philadelphia         Susquehanna Center
Sep 29     Detroit              The Palace of Auburn Hills
Sep 30     Toronto, Ont.        Air Canada Center
Oct 2      Chicago              All State Arena
Oct 3      St. Paul, Minn.      Xcel Arena
Oct 5      Denver               Broomfield
Oct 7      Salt Lake City       E Center
Oct 9      Portland, Ore.       Memorial Coliseum
Oct 10     Vancouver, B.C.      GM Place
Oct 11     Seattle              Key Arena
Oct 13     San Jose, Calif.     Events Center
Oct 14     Los Angeles          The Forum
Oct 17     San Diego            Cox Arena
Oct 18     Phoenix, Ariz.       Arizona State Fair
Oct 20     Austin, Texas        Frank Erwin Center
Oct 21     Dallas               Nokia Theater
Oct 23     Houston              Reliant Arena
Oct 25     Atlanta              Gwinnett Arena
----------
* A bad joke, referring to this very good ATL band

Stuff in the paper

Today, at long last, my story on The Flip Side record store ran. It's a story I've been wanting to write for years, but needed a peg. And the resurgence of vinyl gave me that... Be sure to watch the video and look for me straining not to laugh.

Also, I forgot to post the link last week to my column, which is about wasting time playing casual games on your type-puter. (Here's the worst of the lot.)

Cory Haim, no, Feldman 'news'

So Cory Haim Feldman recently said that he doesn't see a sequel happening to "Stand By Me." Which I didn't even know was in the running over Hollywoodways. Unlike "The Goonies," which I had heard rumor of. (Sorry fans, no plans for that sequel either.)

Maybe he's cooled his jets on this project because "Lost Boys 2" went straight to video.

Yes. That's right. There's a "Lost Boys 2."

Officially, it's "Lost Boys: The Tribe." Here's the trailer, in which Feldman has the best line: "I'm Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter." Enjoy (?). Oh, and here's the Feldman interview, sadists.

Lost Boys: The Tribe

Dusk at Cubist Castle*

We took another shot at the Cubeecrafts this weekend, but this time, instead of me printing it out on the cheap copy paper at work and coloring it in with red pens -- and further risk getting fired -- Jenn and I used actual cardstock and an inkjet color printer.

Oh, the marvels of our modern technology.

Jenn made the smashing Indiana Jones mock-up -- much more enjoyable than in "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." It printed up the idol and revolver, too. Bocce ball boulder not included.

Of course, if she's been smart like me, she would've just made The Rocketeer**...

...or perhaps Iron Man, neither of which has to run from any boulder they can fly over.
----------
*A reference to The Olivia Tremor Control's record, of course.
**Kind of a crappy movie, really. But the guy was cool.

Dulcimer
"Indiana Jones" (mp3)
from "Rob's Garden"
(President Records)

Buy at iTunes Music Store

Meat + Pizza = Meatza?

thanks Troy
Ugh. I'm not like one of those freaks who doesn't eat meat Jenn. I love the meats and all, but this makes even my stomach hurt.

Still, I can't believe that on this side of the world — the side affectionately (or confectionately?) known as the land of gluttony and deep-fried Snickers bars — they haven't introduced this sausage-stuffed pizza. Yes, it sounds dirty.

Disclaimer: I did really like the stuffed-crust pizza that was stuffed with mozzarella cheese. But that was good. It was like getting a cheesestick on the outside of yer pizza. Not the same thing.

'Midnight Meat Train'???

That's the name of a movie that just appeared today at the Columbus dollar theater. Turns out, it's a Clive Barker horror story, lensed by Ryuhei Kitamura ("Sky High"), that was supposed to see release in May.

But rather than release it the same weekend as "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian,"* they bumped the release. Now it debuts in dollar theaters. Apparently we're one of the luck 100 theaters to get a screening in the nation, before it goes straight to DVD.

So that's what that is, if you're wondering. Here's the movie's Web site.
----------
*Because, you know, Christians and children who like fantasy stories are the primary audience for horror films. Maybe a crucifixion thing.